It's gone.

• I do not agree with those who claim that once you've had It, you'll never really lose It. It being racing form, or maybe racing instincts, or simply the ability to jump into a competitive situation and not seem badly out of place. I, for one, have not had It for many years. In fact, I tend to think that It's fleeting -- for me, anyway, a function of youth, obsession, tyrannical coaching, and a lot of free time to train. In some ways, I kind of wish I never had It to begin with, because then I wouldn't miss It so much.

  Last Sunday, I really missed It. I joined a few of the boys out for a Sunday morning of church cross. Four crashes and an hour later, I found myself defending the presence of a water bottle and the lack of gears on my bike. If I still had It, I thought to myself, he wouldn't be needling me. That night, I had to work late. And at around 4am, my migraine informed me that, in fact, it was very likely that that second crash -- the very quick, head-first endo into the ground -- had resulted in something like a concussion. So I popped some pills, downed a double espresso, and went back to work.

  The following morning I decided to build some wheels. Front radial, rear 3X -- the same as the many hundreds of sets I'd built over the years. The front laced up clean and tight and true. The rear was a start and stop affair for the entire morning -- eventually I gave up, tabling the wheel for a day. Come *on*, migraine -- I told my migraine -- It's time to move on. I spent the rest of the day writing SQL, which is easier to do with a migraine than building wheels.

  But as the week wore on, what would usually pass for forgetfulness evolved into a nasty mild dementia. I'd walk into a room and forget why I was there. I'd read an article from top to bottom to top to bottom to top again. I'd succeed in throwing away a car key while cleaning the shop. (For the second time in as many months!) All this was clearly either due to (a) lack of sleep (b) early onset Alzheimer's or (c) attempting to race a cyclocross bike despite a complete lack of form.

  In the coming weeks I'll have a little more time to run the shop. That's pretty exciting, because there are a dozen or more projects that have been back burnered for many months. But this week has reminded me that despite the best intentions, without a fully functioning brain, I probably won't get very much done. I think I'd better focus a little more on training actual racers than trying to play racer for a bit. Because It's gone.